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A S H L I N G
You know that feeling when someone's staring at you?
When the back of your neck starts to prickle, and every hair on your arms stands at attention?
That's me.
Every morning, I walk into this office.
I could feel his gaze following my every movement. It made me tense, and it was annoying... and uncomfortable.
No matter where I stood, those eyes were always on me.
Suddenly, a child's laughter echoed down the hallway, sweet and heartbreakingly familiar. My steps faltered before I rounded the corner.
A small shape in the corner caught the light, legs swinging, a toy car tracing circles on the floor. Then he looked up.
Grey eyes.
Ash blond curls.
He froze for a second, head tilted, like he wasn't sure it was really me. Then his whole face cracked open into a smile.
"Mum!"
My breath caught, and the room tilted for a second.
He jumped from the chair, the toy clattering behind him, and ran. Little feet thudding a rhythm straight into my heart.
Something in me stalled.
His eyes, his smile, his tiny dimple, it all rushed at me too fast.
He wrapped his arms around my legs, squeezing tight.
I stood there, hands suspended mid-air, trying to remember what I was supposed to do.
Taking a breath, I bent down, knees hitting the floor.
He laughed against me, and it poured straight into my chest, feeling warm and wrong all at once.
I should say something. Correct him, but I don't.
"Eli, what are you doing here?"
He beamed. "Waiting for you!"
Something snapped in my chest. A twist of anger, not at him, but at his father.
My nails dug into my palm, hard enough to sting. I forced a smile.
"You should be with your dad, not waiting for me."
Eli frowned, confusion softening his voice. "He said I could play till you come. You can play with me, right?"
Before I could answer, something shifted, the tiny, invisible change that always gives him away.
When I finally looked, Theon was leaning against the doorway, his stare settling on me.
"Eli," Theon said, his voice gentle. "Come here, buddy. Just for a minute."
"But I want to stay with Mummy." Eli's fingers clamped around mine, his bottom lip starting to tremble.
"You will," Theon murmured.
"I promise. I just need to talk to her first, okay? Just for a minute, buddy."
He crouched next to Eli, voice dropping in a whisper, something I couldn't hear.
My eyes traced the sharp line of his jaw, the dark stubble there thicker now.
His skin was olive and smooth, with faint lines gathered at the corners of his eyes.
He looked more grown now, more masculine. Not the reckless boy who used to climb through my window in a leather jacket.
My gaze drifted lower, to his arms that were more broader now, the sleeves of his shirt stretched tight over his muscle.
When he glanced up, those storm-grey eyes found me, and my stomach flipped.
I'd spent years burying what he meant to me, but one look at him and everything I'd buried started rising again.
Watching him with Eli fucked me up more. The way his eyes changed when he looked at Eli, the way his voice shifted when he spoke to him, the way he stayed close by, it pissed me off.
Seeing him like that felt strange.
Being a father had changed him.
Eli's eyes flicked between us, before he finally let go of my hand. He shuffled over to Theon with a pout and Theon's mouth curved.
He reached out, brushed a hand over Eli's hair, and something inside me twisted so hard it almost felt like grief.
"Go on, champ," He guided Eli toward the room.
"Just a little grown-up talk, then you can come back."
Eli nodded. The toy car now clutched tight as he disappeared around the corner. The moment he was gone, Theon straightened, his eyes back on me.
I swallowed, the heat crawling up my throat.
"This isn't right." I said.
"Lying to your son isn't right. You're only hurting him more."
"What do you want me to tell him?" He moved closer.
"That the woman he thinks is his mother isn't really his? You think that won't fuck him up? You think kids won't use that to tear him apart?"
I locked eyes with him, anger rising. This shameless man was delusional, he was lying to his own kid and dragging me into his mess.
"And whose fault do you think that is?" I fired back.
He huffed, looking away. He didn't want to face the truth. He'd been living in his own delusion, and now he was dragging an innocent child into it.
"If you're that scared the truth will fuck him up, then stop lying to him. Tell him where his mother really is."
He whipped his head toward me, shock flashing across his face.
"Oh yeah? I should tell him where his mother is so it completely destroys him. Because that would make me a good father according to you, right Ashling?"
How dare he put this on me.
"You lied from the start," I sneered.
"You've had that child believing I'm his mother when you and I both know I'm not." I glared at him.
"You don't care about anyone but yourself, that's obvious. But you could've at least thought about your son." My voice hardened.
"Instead, you dragged me into this mess too. Now I'm stuck carrying it with you, but unlike you, I'm not heartless enough to shatter a child just to make things easier for myself." I breathed heavily, forcing the fury down.
All I ever wanted was peace. To leave the past where it belonged. But life doesn't give a damn about what you want, does it?
"I don't care about anyone but myself? Really, Ashling? Everything I've ever done was for you. It's always been for you. You're my priority. The only people I've ever thought about are you and Eli."
I rolled my eyes. I couldn't be bothered with this shit. I turned on my heel and walked away.
"Goddamn it, Ash."
The sound of his shoes hitting the floor came fast. Before I could blink, he was in front of me, chest rising hard.
"Just stop."
He growled, breath ragged. "Stop fucking running away and just talk to me for once."
I stiffened, pulse spiking in my throat. Talking to him was like reopening a wound that never healed, what's the point? It only hurts the same way every time.
"Move."
I tried to shoulder past him, but he didn't budge.
God, it's exhausting. Doesn't he ever get tired? Because I do.
If he had even an ounce of mercy left, he'd stop. Just let me walk away. But that's not Theon. He never stops until he gets what he wants, and I'm so goddamn sick of it.
"You know what, Theon?" I hissed, every word trembling with anger.
"Go fuck yourself. I'm done with this. Done with you. I don't have time for your pathetic bullshit, so do us both a favour and get the fuck out of my way." My breathing was all over the place.
Theon leaned down, towering over my five-five frame, lowering himself just enough that his face hovered inches from mine.
"Five fucking years, Ash. Five. Don't you think that's long enough to stop running and just give me a chance to talk?"
I started to argue, but his voice cracked through mine.
"No! You listen to me now, Ashling Monroe." The way he said my name shut me up faster than I'd like to admit.
"I fucked up okay? Don't think for a second I don't know that." His jaw tightened; he looked wrecked and furious all at once.
"If I could go back, I'd change it. Every second of it, but I can't." He exhaled, voice roughening.
"Eli means the world to me, Ash. I didn't want him growing up without a mother. I wanted him to have a normal life, like the other kids."
I clenched my fists, glaring at him.
"What's the difference? I don't act like his mother, and I don't even live with you. So how does lying to him give him a normal life?"
He sighed, his gaze shifting as he spoke. "Do you remember when he was born. He wouldn't stop crying, not even when my parents held him. But the second you took him... he went still."
He shook his head slightly. "I can still see it, Ashling. His tiny body in your arms. The way you rocked him back and forth. The way you looked at him... the way you kissed his nose."
He swallowed. "You two looked right together, like he was exactly where he belonged."
I stared at him, stunned by his words. My mouth parted, but nothing came out.
"You will always be his mother cause that child loves you." He stepped in again, close enough that I could feel the heat off his skin.
I dropped my gaze.
"I've caused you a lot of pain, and I admit it, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have lied to Eli, but I can't change it now. For that, I'm truly sorry."
I lifted my head, my eyes stinging slightly. His stare swept over my features, devouring every inch.
"I'm sorry for everything, sweetheart."
I blinked and sniffed, turning my back to him.
"Just remember, there are two sides to every story, you've only ever heard one"
I felt his breath brush the back of my neck. "You haven't heard mine yet."
March 2016,
Breathing felt harder in the airport. Theon stood in front of me, he looked like he was trying not to fall apart, and somehow...the pain in his face felt exactly like mine.
"I don't want to go." His voice nearly broke.
I swallowed the tightness in my throat and forced a small smile.
"I know."
His hands closed around my waist and pulled me closer until there was no space left between us.
His scent settled around me, and the thought came without warning.
After today, I wouldn't have this.
I wouldn't have him.
"I don't get why I have to go to New York for this," He muttered, annoyed. "I could've done all of it here."
His gaze dropped for a moment. "Dad says I need to learn how everything works... what it really takes. That if I'm going to run Knight Industries one day, I have to be ready."
A tired breath left him. "But none of that means anything if I'm not here with you."
I exhaled, shoulders dropping slightly and smoothed my hands over his chest.
"Theon..."
He gave a dry, bitter laugh. "I mean it, Ash. If it were up to me, I'd stay here with you. Screw the training, screw New York. I'd drop it all in a second if I could."
I lifted my chin and made him look at me. "But you can't, Theon. You know you can't."
His jaw clenched hard. "I don't give a damn about the company."
"Theon, don't say that." I shook my head, my hand tightening around his.
"This isn't only about the company. It's your future."
He shook his head, eyes burning. "I don't want that future if you're not in it."
My fingers shook as I reached for him, sliding them into his hair like I was trying to hold on to something already slipping away.
"Babe... I'm in your future," I said. "I'm not going anywhere. It's only a couple of months."
We had never been this far apart before, and now he was leaving for New York. Distance was going to hurt, but I also knew we would survive it.
"Theon... your dad is trusting you with the New York branch." I said, the words scraping on the way out.
"You're going to run something huge one day. You need this training... even if it feels like shit right now."
His hold on me tightened. "But you won't be there."
I drew him closer. "I will be. I'm always with you." I rested my hand over his heart. "In here."
A strained breath slipped from him, as he held me tighter, like this was all he had left.
"How the hell am I supposed to sleep without you?" He cupped my face, his thumbs brushing slowly against my skin. I smiled and placed my hand over his, leaning into his touch.
"How am I supposed to function with you across the ocean?"
A faint laugh left me. "You'll survive, baby."
He pulled back just enough to look at me, his eyes holding mine. "It's not funny, Ash."
"I know," I said, my throat closing. "But we'll get through it. We always do."
His gaze moved slowly over my face, like he was trying to remember it.
His fingers lifted my chin, his lips pausing just above mine. "I love you,"
"I love you too." I turned my head and pressed a kiss into the center of his palm.
His fingers slipped beneath my chin and lifted my face. His lips found mine, desperately, like he was running out of time.
My hands twisted in his shirt, pulling him closer, as if closeness alone could stop this from happening. His heart was beating hard beneath my palms.
"I'll come back for you," he whispered against my lips.
"As soon as I can. I swear, Ash... I'll crawl back to you if I have to."
"Babe... you're acting like you're leaving forever," I laughed.
"You're right. It's only a few months." He nodded, like he was trying to convince himself.
"You won't forget me... right? You'll always call and—"
I lifted my hands to his face, stopping the words. "Theon... there isn't a world where I could ever forget you."
We pulled apart when the announcement echoed through the speakers.
He wrapped his arms around me again, tighter this time, like one more second might be enough.
His face buried in my neck, breathing me in, holding on, then planted a soft kiss on my shoulder... and he let me go.
"I'll call you when I land," He said, lifting his bag over his shoulder.
I nodded.
He looked at me, his eyes painfully sad. His hands came to my face, and he kissed me deep.
When he pulled back, he brushed his lips over mine, giving small pecks, once... twice... then a third time, lingering.
I kissed him back, trying to hold the moment still. "I'll miss you... take care of yourself, babe."
Then he turned, and without another word, he walked away.
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